A Tangental Review of DJ Hero from Someone Who Only Played It at a Demo Station in Toys R Us pt. 2

We've established that in this story I am presently located in Toys R Us and it's something like 9:30. Ok? Cool.

Never having touched a turn table in respect to DJing and because fake plastic instruments cause me to drop on all fours and start barking like a dog, I decided my best course of action would be to try the tutorial mode before playing the 3-song playlist.

My journey's beginning was an epic. The almost grandfatherly voice of Grandmaster Flash greeted me, affirming that he would help learn me some DJ skills to begin my journey to DJ Hero celebrity (a process easily summarized in the DJ Hero track "DJ Hero vs. Jukebox Hero"). The Grandmaster guided me through the various features of the turntable, including the 3 colored stream buttons and crossfader. To help matters along, Flash apparently precognated my love of the "Another One Bites the Dust vs. Da Funk" mix. Using this mix and a brief rundown of what each function of the table did and a following test of your new skills, verbal pats on the back were aplenty. I went for the real game's only song set of 3 for the demo station.

Both very afraid of the fickle looseness of the crossfader and unsure of how deep my skills at fake plastic DJing were, I set my sights on "easy" mode (as using my pinky on Guitar Hero's guitar actually causes me mental trauma). Easy mode limits your turntable interaction to stream buttons and scratches. Button presses run simultaneous with scratches, making the movement process only slightly more involved than your average Guitar Hero song.

Some of the scratches are very (read as: very) short and choppy and I don't think the actual scratching process recorded some of my back scratches -- not used to the process, I used short forward-reverse wrist motions, but apparently broke a number of cut's chains, simultaneously ending my note streak and dropping my score modifier considerably.

I am not sure if the turntable's crossfader is naturally limber or if disease ridden children's hands had fiddled with the device so often that it became looser than (insert obvious misogynistic joke here), but it made the process of cross fading and almost immediately disastrous process. Maybe I was too jittery, hoping to impress my adopted Grand-father-master, and just slipped a bit, but the crossfader -- a straight line lever requiring movement left or right to focus music on one or both songs -- easily broke my chains due to overshooting where the lever would need to be. I'm sure I just need practice and that many of you already playing expert are having a good laugh at my expense.

Anyway, playing "I Heard it Through the Grapevine vs. Feel Good Inc.," "Hollaback Girl vs. Give it to Me, Girl" and "Satisfaction vs. Boom Boom Pow" is probably the most fun I've had without violently beating others with foam and plastic swords down toy store aisles. Also because my ears were leaking precum.

Long story short, DJ Hero is pretty good, I guess. If you like "that kind" of music, I would highly recommend the game. One of my friends with more arrogant musical tastes in her club music actually greatly enjoyed many of the remixes I forwarded her after finding a torrent of ALL songs (thanks anonymous YouTube channeler!) and sending her a select favorite batch. Even if you don't, I would at least try the demo station or do a search for songs online. I've been met with shock and surprise when I admitted my addiction to the soundtrack, as apparently I don't seem the type to get a massive erection over egregious affronts to more classic songs being piledriven into techno and other electronic songs and then injected into my aural cavities, but then again I also really like a Notorious BIG/Miley Cirus mashup, so there's also that.