Spiderman THE MUSICAL

Living in the New York/metropolitan area, I'm lucky enough to have access to the greatest city on earth. But with great power, New York, you have a great responsibility. Then you go off and do this shit:

I don't think anything in life could have prepared me for that.

If I could make a list of the top 10 things I hate most, that clip would make up at least two, with the remaining eight slots reserved for every other song on the Playbill for Spiderman the Musical.

This play is going to be so terrible that it requires a Surgeon General's warning for eye and ear cancer stamped on every ticket.

Spiderman the Musical killed JFK.

Watching this show is the cause of every bad thing that has ever happened and also will ever happen throughout history.

If you buy a ticket for Spiderman the Musical in person, the ticket seller is, by law, required to punch you in the genitals.

Spiderman the Musical is definitive proof that Bono supports and has always supported terrorism.

If this video is not removed from YouTube by the time I finish this post, it means there is no God, because no just and loving God would allow such an abomination to continue an infinite virtual life where it can never die.

Watching this play erases hope from the universe and completes the Anti-Life Equation.

Hearing music from Spiderman the Musical singlehandedly murders my ability to chain together humorous anecdotes about how bad that play is going to be.

Okay, I'm done.

Edit: One more -- Spiderman the Musical raped my blog's frames and killed my wife.

An Inebriated Look at Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

When I first started discussing the Scott Pilgrim movie, I referred to the screen adaptation of the Canadian manga series as "Twilight for Hipsters," based solely on a barely-fleeting knowledge of anything the book was about (in both cases) -- it was immensely popular among the alt-nerd crowd and was a constant topic of discussion on 4chan's Comics and Cartoons board, along with Avatar the Last Airbender and fan-drawn pictures of DC and Marvel divas farting. So, I had those as points of comparison to leverage a fair and modest assessment of Scott and company. Oh, and I read the Wikipedia entry for the comic and I think it caused me to develop some form of malignant eye cancer. As a medical journalist, I feel most adequately prepared to endure such a hardship.

Also of note is that I refused to read a page of the series, because I'm a journalist and have integrity. Needless to say, I was ready to be entertained by this movie, self-trolling or otherwise.

Given that I have all the logical faculty of two infants fighting over a toy train, I asked a friend night-of to go see the movie with me after we "prepared" beforehand. This ultimately turned out to be the best decision before seeing the movie, as it dulled my normally hyper-critical sense of viewership and allowed me to sit back and have the screen do the work for me.

Scott Pilgrim, if for some reason you fall into my "hipster garbage" stereotyped ignorant line of thinking and know nothing about the line, follows the relationship-related antics of an early 20-something living in Toronto Canada. Scott is kind of a looser -- he mooches floor (and bed) space in a gay friend's apartment across the street from his childhood home, he's in an admittedly not-very-good band (The Sex Bo-Bombs) with his friend and an ex-girlfriend, he lacks any real job outside of his role as bassist of the barely-trademark-legal band, and probably some other things because the movie doesn't really go into much more detail than that. It is also clear, from the onset, that our boy is prone to making bad relationship decisions, as he's introduced as in a relationship with a 17 year-old Asian Catholic schoolgirl, which is both fundamentally kinky-if-you're-a-weeaboo and kind of pathetic, after a much maligned breakup with a past ex who is, from the looks of things, doing pretty well for herself.

Our hero dreams of the mysterious Ramona Flowers, a colorfully-headed "hipster chick" with a good deal of emotional baggage not so much carried around as the baggage follows her around and challenges any potential suiters to a series of battles to the death. A League of Extraordinarily Childish Antics, if you will. The two meet in person once at Scott's girlfriend's school library and again at an after-party following a Sex Bo-Bomb's gig. Scott, while still in a relationship with the Asian child, attempts to woo the aloof Ramona, but lol, Michael Cera movie. Whatever sort of magnetism Pilgrim resonates apparently has some effect, as the two wind up making out in Ramona's bed that night and leaving with promises of a second date. It is in the coming days that Scott will meet the first of seven "evil exes" that he must duel with "and defeat" to finally win Ramona's love.

From the onset, the viewer is greeted with a pixelated UNIVERSAL logo over a chip-tuned rendition of the company's theme. This should give you some idea of what's to come -- lots of nerdy pats on the back, video-game like visuals, over-the-top meta-humor, and a readily apparent sense of self-deprecation. Or at least you should consider it self-deprecation. Look at it this way -- every time you pick up on a reference to some facet of nerd culture, punch yourself in the face, hard. By the time you get to the end of the second evil-ex battle, you will either be in a trauma ward or will find Family Guy really funny. I'm not sure if it's this constant wink-nod relationship with the nerds in the room (the adults buying manga-style books, written and drawn in Canada) that draws people to the series or is the exact element that causes so many others to lash out at the series online and otherwise.

The pacing of the movie is rather staggered. It starts out slow, which is fair, as there are many characters introduced early on with interesting backstories covered more in context than in brief manga-panel-animated cutscenes, but by the end of the third battle, exes start crawling out of every nook and cranny because, hey, we need to wrap this shit up at some point.

This necessary drive toward a timely end also stifles what should be one of the most interesting aspects of the entire movie -- development of the evil exes' backstories. Early battles are prefaced with the aforementioned book-styled overviews of Ramona's relationship with the assorted exes, but this gets completely removed later on to the point where a DJ versus Indie battle of the bands is reduced to mere visual effects warring than the tense interplay between scorned and new love established in earlier fights. Then two fucking Chinese myth dragons shoot out of the dj-duo's speakers, and at this point I start screaming because I am not messed up enough to handle this.

And that was a good place to be, just inebriated enough to turn my brain off for a bit. If there's nothing else this movie has going for it, it is fun. Stupid, simplistic, nerdy fun. Sound effects appear as animated text, hearts fly around as the two dream-crossed lovers kiss, giant caps K.O. appear onscreen during an ex's knockout ala EVERY FIGHTING GAME EVER, the style of shots are arranged in a way that most visually encapsulates the still medium of the comic book onto the moving pictures brand of storytelling. And it all works.

Sure, when I see this movie a second time next week, very likely sober and following a day at the office, I will probably pull hair at how XD SO RANDOM Scott and his Asian date act. I will probably shout in contempt, "WHY IS EVERY CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE IN A BAND?" I will probably boo the preview the new M. Night movie... again. But hopefully I don't get too serious'd the fuck up, because otherwise I'd be missing out on the genuinely enjoyable movie-going experience I probably paid far too much money for (the second viewing will be in New York, for price point reference). I will still not buy this Americanized manga trash, though. Gotta have some standards.

Fuck video games

I could not rage harder if I tried.

They released Devil May Cry but WACKY and with this instead of Dante.

BRB, crying forever.

A Tangental Review of DJ Hero from Someone Who Only Played It at a Demo Station in Toys R Us pt. 2

We've established that in this story I am presently located in Toys R Us and it's something like 9:30. Ok? Cool.

Never having touched a turn table in respect to DJing and because fake plastic instruments cause me to drop on all fours and start barking like a dog, I decided my best course of action would be to try the tutorial mode before playing the 3-song playlist.

My journey's beginning was an epic. The almost grandfatherly voice of Grandmaster Flash greeted me, affirming that he would help learn me some DJ skills to begin my journey to DJ Hero celebrity (a process easily summarized in the DJ Hero track "DJ Hero vs. Jukebox Hero"). The Grandmaster guided me through the various features of the turntable, including the 3 colored stream buttons and crossfader. To help matters along, Flash apparently precognated my love of the "Another One Bites the Dust vs. Da Funk" mix. Using this mix and a brief rundown of what each function of the table did and a following test of your new skills, verbal pats on the back were aplenty. I went for the real game's only song set of 3 for the demo station.

Both very afraid of the fickle looseness of the crossfader and unsure of how deep my skills at fake plastic DJing were, I set my sights on "easy" mode (as using my pinky on Guitar Hero's guitar actually causes me mental trauma). Easy mode limits your turntable interaction to stream buttons and scratches. Button presses run simultaneous with scratches, making the movement process only slightly more involved than your average Guitar Hero song.

Some of the scratches are very (read as: very) short and choppy and I don't think the actual scratching process recorded some of my back scratches -- not used to the process, I used short forward-reverse wrist motions, but apparently broke a number of cut's chains, simultaneously ending my note streak and dropping my score modifier considerably.

I am not sure if the turntable's crossfader is naturally limber or if disease ridden children's hands had fiddled with the device so often that it became looser than (insert obvious misogynistic joke here), but it made the process of cross fading and almost immediately disastrous process. Maybe I was too jittery, hoping to impress my adopted Grand-father-master, and just slipped a bit, but the crossfader -- a straight line lever requiring movement left or right to focus music on one or both songs -- easily broke my chains due to overshooting where the lever would need to be. I'm sure I just need practice and that many of you already playing expert are having a good laugh at my expense.

Anyway, playing "I Heard it Through the Grapevine vs. Feel Good Inc.," "Hollaback Girl vs. Give it to Me, Girl" and "Satisfaction vs. Boom Boom Pow" is probably the most fun I've had without violently beating others with foam and plastic swords down toy store aisles. Also because my ears were leaking precum.

Long story short, DJ Hero is pretty good, I guess. If you like "that kind" of music, I would highly recommend the game. One of my friends with more arrogant musical tastes in her club music actually greatly enjoyed many of the remixes I forwarded her after finding a torrent of ALL songs (thanks anonymous YouTube channeler!) and sending her a select favorite batch. Even if you don't, I would at least try the demo station or do a search for songs online. I've been met with shock and surprise when I admitted my addiction to the soundtrack, as apparently I don't seem the type to get a massive erection over egregious affronts to more classic songs being piledriven into techno and other electronic songs and then injected into my aural cavities, but then again I also really like a Notorious BIG/Miley Cirus mashup, so there's also that.

A Tangental Review of DJ Hero from Someone Who Only Played It at a Demo Station in Toys R Us pt. 1

DJ Hero is the latest installment of Activision's "Expensive Plastic Instrument Peripheral" Hero line of electronic entertainment medium. How does this make you feel?

I first became interested in DJ Hero not through being excited about the game (because what kind of guy actually LIKES video games?) but through a late night advertisement for the game starring digital avatars of the techno pair Daft Punk playing the most skull bustingly fantastic remix of personal favorite song "Around the World" mixed with "Television Rules the Nation" (which, at the time, I could not identify what the drop-out song was). Then the magic of television showed me I was not to expect some new godsend of a cd, but something possibly even more awe-inspiring: a video game.

For a few weeks or maybe a month, I basically ignored DJ Hero, only regaining interest when the Tee Vee would spam messages asking me to buy this game that wasn't out yet. "Thanks, TV, but this game doesn't exist yet!" I clamored, "Also I just really like these songs and don't want to actually work to have to hear them. Also I imagine carrying my PS3 (or my bricked Wii... or Xbox I don't own) around to listen to music I enjoy would be quite cumbersome!"

Well, sometime shortly after the game release, that same heart-on Daft Punk mix got stuck in my head, so I traveled to the last bastion of people who have no idea where to find audio files online go, YouTube.

DJ Hero had its own channel, sporting only bite-sized clips of the game's track list, a paltry selection, not even complete. A further search lead me to some game music connoisseur's YouTube channel (no link to save him from the lambasting of Activision - more on this in a second) to find THE MOST ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS COMBINATIONS OF SONGS I NEVER ASKED FOR BUT SUDDENLY HAD PIPED DIRECTLY INTO MY EARS CAPSLOCK. I spent the entire afternoon at work looping mixes while reformatting a spreadsheet I'd created and played "Around the World vs. Bust a Move" no less than 20 times.

Like any good user of the internet, I immediately made it my life's work to rip and iPod-ify this music, a task which spanned mere minutes after a YouTube MP3 ripping service created the equivalent of aural diarrhea out of the song and an immediate move to the /rs/ board of 4chan brought me in contact with some "new friends." The rest of Halloween weekend was me drunk off of song and actual drink induced euphoria.

Ok, so I'm pretty much the farthest into a blog entry and I haven't touched the game. Well, sorry.

Before the weekend ended, Activision started deleting videos uploaded by "my new internet best friend" on his YouTube. I was out so many songs, many of which did not appear in the RS files I'd found. Way to share love for your product, Activision.

However, this turn of events and potential incoming suicide-over-music-withdrawal led me to Toys R Us with a friend where I heard a very familiar mash up of Daft Punk songs playing in the not so distant background. A station was set up with DJ Hero. Now comes the part where I actually play the game.

...and we're back

Trust me, you don't want to know.

Let's Talk About: ZENDIKAR

Oh, I like Magic cards and stuff. Yeah.

Zendikar is the newest set, coming soon to a store near you the week after this weekend, which is the Prerelease for said set.

I'll be dressing up like a butler and greeting people at the New York Anime Fest, so you can imagine my disappointment that the two events are co-scheduled for the same weekend. Also, I want to win cards for being good at a game and make free money. Frown town.

Here's my primer for you guys on Zendikar Limited without cracking a single pack of the set, so take this with you to your local prerelease, release, or events immediately leading up to people who are professionals define what is or isn't good in Limited.

To start, check the spoiler on MTGSalvation, which is still about 40 cards shy of complete at the time of writing, but I've been scanning it for months now so you can clearly trust everything I have to say.

The first thing you want to note about Zendikar is that it's VERY similar (in a bare-bones kind of way) to M10 Limited: you're dealing with a slower format that requires you to build up a board and drop big dudes that are better than your opponent's big bomby dudes to win. Being really aggressive with anything aside from building up your board to support dropping your big, bomby dude is not as strong (but still a possible) strategy as, say, playing defensive guys early until you have 5-9 lands in play and dropping Iona or some other crazy stuff.

This also applies for most aggressive strategies in this format: aggressive Landfall-centric decks need a steady flow of land in play to make your 1R for a 1/1 First-Striker into 1R for a 9/9 turn 3. The other thing you should note is that relying entirely on dropping one or multiple lands every turn is not a good idea unless you decide to play 20 lands. This is also probably not good.

You need to get a balance out of your cards that rely on Landfall and let your "cards that cost more than them" do the rest. A good example of this is in UG - Windrider Eel is fine as a 2/2 for 4 that flies, but then gets huge with a land and becomes impossible with Harrow or something similar.

Another thing that carries over from M10 is that Blue looks like it will be horribly underdrafted. Although Blue lacks Divination and Ponder coupled with Merfolk Looter (though all three effects can be found in the set, lawl), blue has a solid early defense plan backed by a plethora of fliers, the only counterspell in the set, and extremely playable bounce. UG or UW look to be solid combinations archetype wise.

Black is also pretty good, as the "Vampire Theme Deck" of limited seems to recommend, but Black also lacks the sheer number of removal cards and life-cushioning effects it had in M10 (see Tendrils of Despair, Consume Spirit, Child of the Night). It still has retarded-good removal and its creatures are mostly all pretty good, but there is a decent want for a larger guy who won't get eaten by more defensive late drops or white and greens' "We're 2/3s for 2" men.

Red seems like a self-sustainable color this set, as well. This is probably more an on-paper than in-practice notion, but I'm ok with being wrong since I only ever splash red in M10 for Fireball and Lightning Bolt.

Allies also are pretty much all good on their own, except for several of the "Comes into play, effect happens" ones, like in Red and Black. They're GREAT when you have a deck with several Allies, but you need to really bunker down and draft them to make them worth the 5+ mana they cost. Also the Rare allies are fine on their own and bonkers with multiple Allies in play. Obvobv.

Until the spoiler is finished, this is my assessment of Zendikar limited. Top 15 picks will come when the spoiler is over.